I Love Him
I loved him for everything that he was.
My mundane life came to an abrupt end when he came into life and yet he left just as abruptly. At the start, I simply saw him as another man amongst the gender called males. I now must admit he did have quite the masculine features compared to the average male. Especially his endearing straight forward personality that pairs well with his glistening soft light brown eyes.
However, that is not why I loved him, to the outside world, he comes across as distant and cold man despite his welcoming smile and almost perfect persona. I did not concern myself as to why he keeps such a forged life but at some point in time I grew the desire to know him, to help him. If you asked me why I had such a desire that is unlike my personality, I would not be able to give to you an answer.
But if you asked me what drew my eyes to him, it would be the sound of my fastening heartbeats fueling my desire for him. It was if he was the source of my heartbeats. I would take notice of the little details such as from the way he fixes his hair, to the his habit of saying, “Pardon me, I need to excuse myself to go to the lavatory” whenever he feels frustrated. How I know how he does not actually need the lavatory is my little secret but anyway, the more I discovered about him, the more my feelings grew, the more my desire strengthened, like wood does to fire.
The way he made me feel, no one else that lived on this earth will able to make me feel the same way. I loved him so much, it pained me so much that my health deteriorated for a short period of time.
As a means of escape, I relied on fictional romance stories, from novels to shoujo manga, whatever I could find, I read. What I realized about the heroine of these stories is that what they valued was the happiness of their loved one. Upon that realization, I asked myself, what of my happiness? I could cry a whole ocean, but I know I can never be his happiness. I can never be his loved one, I can never be the one to fasten his heartbeat just from my presences. The simple reality is that I will never hear his voice say, “I love you”.
My life was mundane as everyone else, but the thought of him filled me with another desire, to live to the fullest.
I would say he made my world sparkle, but that would be cliché of me. How can love be cliché when we all experience it differently? I may be unable to express my feelings of love, nonetheless, there is still the opportunity to use those feelings to fuel my desire to live as extraordinary as possible.
I would climb Mt Everest or go sky-jumping or even go venturing into jungles, all the same, expressing my feelings is an option that I will never take. I would invest in me, care for me and drown in love with me. Once again, he become another male amongst male, as it should be.
Most of the time, other females would be with him, it is not surprising though, he was quite handsome. I figured he had found his happiness as the way he carried himself to the world changed, not for the worst but for the better. It came to me that he was trying to break through the persona he so desperately built. He grew to be less afraid to be honest and freely spoke his mind. He was learning to love himself. To his surprise, those around him did not treat him unfavorably, rather, they felt more comfortable to open up to him. I may not know what sparked his change, even so, I am thankful to whoever or whatever it was.
Our individual journey to self-love was what brought us together.
Unbeknownst to me, the day where I hear what I long to hear was soon approaching, on a raining day.
“Ezra” he called into my ear with that deep soothing voice, I can’t help but melt away except that wasn’t an option.
You see, we were sharing an umbrella under the heavy cold rain. The distance that usually separated us was nowhere to be found under this umbrella. We both got off work rather late, given the nearing holiday season. His umbrella broke under the strong winds from the time he last used it. I figured I would give mine to him, for politeness sake, nothing more.
Thinking back, maybe I wanted something from him in return. I guess that’s the type of person I am, at the end of the day I have to accept that. He saw through that and may be that’s why he suggested to share. Then again, maybe he was just being polite or simply it was just part of his personality. Or even maybe I am simply overthinking it but when he called my name from such close proximity, I discovered then, that I am simply burying my feelings. I can’t help but cry at that realization, I cried and cried.
I wanted him to call me, I wanted to be his happiness.
In that rain, I was alone with the heavy sounds of pouring rain and the loudness of my feelings. At that point I didn’t care if I got wet, it was painful to be alone with him at the state I was in. I was drowning in the urge to cry and scream and run but I have no more tears to cry and nowhere to run, in the end I’ll be alone with my thoughts anywhere. Yet I ran and ran till my legs gave out and eventually I couldn’t make sense of anything anymore. I couldn’t breathe, so as I lay on the grass, all I could feel was the beat of my own heart and falling rain, crushing everything but the beat of my heart.
I was forced out of my trance by the sound of splashing footsteps. Given that I finished work and basically ran many kilometers, I didn’t have the energy to move to see who it was. A tall shadow lured over me with their muscular arm stretched out over me to cover me from the rain using an umbrella. I couldn’t help but laugh at the gesture, seeing how I was drenched from head to toe, not to mention covered in mud. “Thank you” was all I managed to say in-between my laughs. “You’re welcome, I’m glad to see you laughing”, it was the same deep voice I recognize, it was him. Rising to my knees was all I could manage, I must be getting old. He offered me a hand, he easily helped me up to my feet. The warmth of his hand soothed me against the cold.
Again, I was alone with him under the same sky. For the first time that night, I had looked up at him. He wore an expression I never seen him wear, he looked at me with gentle eyes that looked like he was about to cry and a loving small smile. Before I realized he was benevolently patting my head before drawing me in for a hug. My cold body was engulfed by the warmth and size of his body. He took notice of my quiver due to the cold, he only strengthened his hold of me.
“Don’t run off like that again”
His voice was low and shaking, I just barely heard what he said. This was definitely a side of him I never saw before. He was always calm and strong, now he seemed small and sacred. My heart beat was racing its own race while my head was in a coma like state. My shaking arms slowly made their way around his waist.
“I’m sorry” was all I could mange to choke out through the shock.
That moment is close to my heart, it was the first time I felt close to him, to know a side of him no one else did. The way he held me, the way he discarded the umbrella as rain poured into it, his subtle breathing into my neck and the way I felt in his arms is something I will never forget. That whole moment seemed like a scene straight out of a movie.
As time passed, he began to open up to me, about his likes and dislikes, his past, friends and what he hopes for his future. Though he never once mentioned his family and I am not about to force him. Speaking of family, I have my own family that I also rather not mention to people.
“…Date .me” I snapped out of my thoughts and looked up from my desk at the source of the voice, it was him.
“Pardon?” I questioned him back while leaning back on my seat, he bent down to my seated level with his upper body supported by his arms on his knees. Our faces our merely centimeters apart as he gave me a smile before he repeated himself saying,
“I have a date with a client about this project, I need you to go on this date with me”. I looked back at his lovely brown eyes and lovingly told him,
“No” with a sassy expression. He responded with a chuckle, I must add that his chuckles always gave me quite the butterflies. With a singing tone, he said,
“You, sweetheart, do not have a choice”, he was quite the sarcastic humorous man.
“You ain’t the boss, last time I checked” I said back as he leaned back up,
“True for now but it’s what the boss said to pass on” he says nonchalantly. “I would count myself lucky that I’m not the boss if I were you” he adds seductively while leering down at me with a smirk, and with that he left.
He was definitely ‘Do it my way or don’t do it all” type of guy as much as he was a looker. There was a rumour going around in the office speculating that the client had a crush on him. I looked at him walking away with an annoyed look. I’m surprised I can get annoyed, upset or even angry at him given how much I love him. I’m glad that I am so not lovestruck that I am free to feel whatever emotion I see fit.
That meeting with the client was at a luxurious expensive party so as I expected there was a dress code. Clients with money is just a whole new level of patience. From memory I wore an off-the-shoulder red mermaid dress with sliver high heels and I wore my hair down with sliver hoop earrings and necklace. You should have seen his face when he saw me, he couldn’t keep his eyes off me for the rest of the night. I mean the dress did hug my curves perfectly and thanks to the heels I was closer to his height.
Though client was disappointed in terms of a romance, they were satisfied business wise. As a bonus, we scored new potential clients at the party, between the two of us, I’d say I scored more.
“Would you do me the pleasure of walking you home tonight?”, he asks politely while bowing his head in a jokingly manner.
“Yes, kind sir” I say playing along. He held out his hand for me to take while giving me his usual smile.
We noticed people coming back into the venue while shaking off water. It was an unexpected heavy downpour.
“Well this brings back memories” he laughingly says, he looks down to see my grim expression as I looked outside.
“Sorry” was all he said before wrapping his coat over my head while looking at the other direction so that I can’t see his face.
“What for?” I chuckled, “You have nothing to apologize for, it was only about me, don’t worry about it” I said in a small gentle voice while getting him to look at me by reaching my hand up to his face.
He looked down at me with a sad expression as he put his hand over mine.
“Why did you run from me?” he asks in a pained voice, my heart broke by the sound of his voice.
“I’m sorry that you think that I ran from you, that wasn’t at all my intention” I answered while looking down holding back tears.
“I was…” I looked back up to see him before looking down again, “ I was just feeling emotional” I said in a small croaking voice.
We stood there in silence for a moment, for what felt like days before I felt arms wrapping themselves around me into a close tight hug.
The tears that I held back were pouring out like a waterfall, I couldn’t help but think in the back of my mind thank god for waterproof makeup. I was getting his white button up shirt wet with my tears, I couldn’t help but to repeatedly apologize. All he did was hug me tighter and rub my head as if to say it’s alright, I’m here for you which only made me cry harder. I really can’t help but cry when I am around him, it felt reassuring somewhat.
Crying bought back memories of when I was still at home with my family. Even back then I was always burying my feelings and may be they’re surfacing now because of my feelings for him. Once I calmed down, he let go of his hold of me, instead he held my hand and led me to his car while trying to cover me from the rain. I looked at him in shook as I glanced between him and the car.
“You have a car?” I rhetorically asked him in shook.
“Yeah” he says while opening the door for me. I was trying to make sense as to why he would walk in the rain that other time if he had a car. He could tell what I was thinking, he chuckled at my confusion. I’m coming to realize either I’m easy to read or he can easily tell what I’m thinking.
“I wanted to get to know you so I took my chance” he says straightforwardly while grabbing his seatbelt. I had a look that says ‘I don’t believe you’, he snorted a laugh, “You’re so easy to read, I’m telling you the truth, I have no reason to lie”, he reasonably says.
I feel tears forming in my eyes again, he glances at me noticing I was about to cry again, “hmm now that I think about it, you’re cute when you cry” he says flirtingly. I couldn’t help but look out the window in a futile attempt to hide my blushing red face.
“Actually, you’re always adorably cute” he adds as the final blow. I’m not the best with situations like these, they get me flustered, leaving me no idea how to react.
“Thank you” I said shyly, not sure what else to say. He probably thought he teased me enough before asking me where do I want him to drop me off. I directed him to my place while blasting music at full blast, telling jokes and talking as he drove through the rain. I thanked him for the ride home,
“hey” he quietly says before I closed the door, I peeked down to look at him at the drivers seat. His elbow leaned down on the arm rest and his other arm leaned on the wheel as he directed his chest towards me. His eyes were filled with concern for me,
“are you sure you’re okay? You can tell me, I’m here for you” he says in the most gentle soothing voice. I wanted nothing more than to run into his arms and tell him everything, “but that would be telling him I love him” I thought to myself. I looked back at him,
“Thank you, that means a lot to me more than you know, knowing that someone is there for me. I want you to know that the same goes for you, I’m here for you too anytime and anywhere” I said back with smiling back at him. He held out his hand for me to grab, he gave it a squeeze as if he didn’t want to let go.
I closed the door and walked to my front door and looked back to see him still there waiting for me to go safely inside. He waved goodbye before driving off. Little did I know that was the last time I ever see him. He passed away in a car crash. The only thing I have of him is this coat he lend me. Everyday a little part of me hopes that he’ll be there in front of my house in his car waiting for me while waving and smiling at him. While I regret ever letting go of his hand, I know god has him now and I hope he knows I think of him everyday even now on my deathbed ready to join him in heaven.
Once I see you, this time I’ll tell you everything, I’ll tell you I love you.
